Lost and Vanished

(Okay, JY, I really hope that you don't read this post, because I have to write something. Hey, I am not talking bad about you, so if you don't trust me, you can still read it.)

I saw a lot of blogs just now. Most of the blogs were talking about me. Only humiliation, criticism, insult and scolding. No one loves that, and neither me too. But if I were to simply find a person and ask, still they will give me a bad remark. You said I should try to be in your shoes, and I don't really think I can solve the incident better than you if I were you. But, if you were me, can you endure the pain of mine? I think you can, but you will just masquerade and camouflage yourself.

Actually, to tell the truth JY, it's not the incident that hurts me the most. The incident is easily forgetted. Here, I have to apologise one more time. I don't think you can make to the bottom of my post without tissues, so please be ready. (Hahaha, in fact, I don't think you will really cry) Now, no one is on the same line nor same side with me now. I don't really need them to attack you back, but at least, I need them to stop the scolding. No one scolds you, right? But hordes of your friends scolded me. You know how I felt when I saw their blogs? My heart was like hung on the wall with a string and swang like pendulum. That was scary.

Perhaps you will more likely trapped in the problem of being happy back again, and I did not really face the problem, so I can't help much in that. Which part I hurt the most? As usual, the heart. (Of course, people say heart-broken but not brain-broken even though the brain controls our emotion) Perhaps, I will not have any friends anymore, I mean the friends I used to have. But, Valerie, thanks for your advices, and Pui Ping, thanks for your encouragement. It helps, in a moderate degree, at least. Now I lost my reputation of being one of the top students. Valerie, that's why I hate being a clever person. I still ended up fooled, humiliated and insulted.
If I were not in this world, don't you think everyone will be much happier, even you too, JY? There would not be such an arguement.

I really hoped that I could change my surroundings, at least for a certain period. But that's not going to be true. I still had to face a lot of criticisms, which I couldn't stop myself from not ignoring them. Well, at least those criticisms are much less in 3 Amanah, right? Uggh, I don't really think so, because most of the students still criticise me beyond my knowledge. But at least, I am fortunate to not to be in the downstairs because I found a lot more people criticising me there.

Am I really poor? Yes, even if you asked me the same question over and over, but this time, is not just in terms of material wealth only. I lost a lot, and you too, I know. I don't know what you lost, but I know you lost. (What sentence is that?) What I lost? I lost friends, in the first place. I lost my reputation, and even though that is not the main scar, I think I am more upset on this. Now people don't trust my results. This made me lost the aspiration and the perseverance to study. If I studied, and get excellent results, they will think that I cheated. So what for I study? For my future? No, studying does not really ensure that your future is bright. But that's the only way I can do as a student.

Parallel with the title, do you think someone found what I lost? Yes, they know what I lost, and they found it, but they will never return that to me. (Until this point, do you know what I really lost?) I think you know, JY, because your English is supremely good, and your comprehensive skill is not bad either. Valerie, it might take you some time to find out. (No offense, but I think you are too blur in this matter) But, if I were to stop my steps, I will lose even more, don't you think so?

Tomorrow is Chinese class again, but I don't know where should I seat. Most of the people who criticised me are actually Chinese you know? I think I should just remain sitting at the back, it is very scary you know? Looking at ominous and malicious stares just make me feel chilly. But, getting back to the root, that's what I deserve, some people I think.

Okay, JY, you still went through this post right? You aren't holding a single piece of tissue. (Wow, I can be a psychological doctor and earn lots of money if I guessed them correct) I can't help you in your problems, you can't help me too. So, what is the point both of us asking each other to be in other's shoes?