Waste

Do you ever know what is waste? Okay, you might say it's throwing unused papers, dumping half-full drinks, buying clothes that are "unwearable" and etc. But I call these physical wastes, which you can see with your own eyes. These are really wastes but they just revolve around materials and money, so they don't cause much nuisance to people especially rich people.

So what is mental wastes? Well, this is what I found out myself, and I am probably experiencing it. Mental waste is the waste where your hardwork and diligence for so many years being unappreciated and even being criticised. Okay, at least my hardwork is being praised and appreciated when I was in primary school, but not in secondary school.

What makes a difference between me and other ordinary students? Quite a lot, but I guess the major difference is I am too realistic for them and in addition, I am too hardworking. Hence, some of them kind of repelling me and even backstabbing me. (Okay, not you, and you know who you are) Do you think I really wanted to be so hardworking? Now I am suspicious about the words in the Bible, as in Verse 6 in "2 Timothy 2": Furthermore, it is the hard working farmer who should have the first share of the crops.

Hardwork really brings ominous relationships huh? Maybe I should stop being hardworking and slack off like some of the students. Getting first is nothing but criticisms. Being the top student is nothing but foolishness. That's what I learnt from my experience, and that's the fact, don't you think so?

Death

Well, it's been quite a long time since I last wrote an article. Something is really, really missing from my life. I thought I could find it myself, but time proves that wrong. I couldn't find it, even though it only consists of nine letters. H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, simple, yet meaningful, but I don't think I can reach it.

It's far for most of the time. I can just glimpse at it for a second or two, and it will disappear from my view. Whenever I think about my past, I found that my smiles and laughters weren't sincere. Sounds pity, huh? But that's true.

When I wanted to take the newspaper from the table, a commercial brochure dropped down. It's a promotion on notebooks. Well, they are not the notebooks used for writing, they are mobile computers. Wow, everyone around me has what they wished for, such as high-technology mobile phones, notebooks, big houses and etc. But what about me? I can't even play a game I wanted to.

How long do you think a human can live? 80 years old? 70 years old? Well, that's the range for an average person. How about me? 60 years? Nah, 60 years are way too long, 30 years are quite long, 10 years are a little long, 5 years are decent, 1 year is okay, 1 month is very good, 1 day is excellent, 1 hour is short, 1 minute is too short and 1 second is impossible.

So, for a person who has lost his hope like me, 1 second may look like the shortest time to end his life, but the fact is, it is too short to do anything he wants. So I guess I will pray for a last day. Nothing excites a person who is unhappy more than death.

Aimless

Today was the last day of PMR, with Geography as our last paper. Many seemed to be very happy, but actually, I don't know why are they happy. I missed PMR suddenly. I missed high-quality question booklets. And perhaps I am a pervert who can't forget his own revision books.

Just after PMR I felt aimless, really aimless. I don't really know what should I do. Everyone went to cyber cafes, badminton courts, shopping centres ect. to have fun. Duh, I found my wallet quite full of money, with two bluish green notes, and with that amount of money I can eat quite luxuriously. But I will feel bad if I use them, because they are my long-saved money.

Ahh, what's the point ending PMR? I can't even play the games I wanted. I can't even watch the television programmes I loved. There is no difference before and after PMR, for me. I always envied others. I find myself always thinking of others' wealth and freedom. I was once told that my eyes are full of sadness. I can't change that fact though, but I don't really mind about me.

I slept for five hours just now. I would want to switch on my computer, but I have no games to play with. Occasionally, I realise that I should put my eyes ahead to the future. But I don't have money to gurantee that I will be a successful person in the future. Well, maybe money doesn't decides everything, but it does decide quite a lot of things, right?

Okay, I am going to read some of the Form 4 books if I can get them earlier. I don't wish to do that too, but what can I do?

Kiss Me Good-Bye

You say my love is all you need, to see you through
But I know these words are not quite true

Here is the path you're looking for, an open door
Leading the worlds you long to explore

Go, if you must move on alone
I'm gonna make it on my own

Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

As time goes by, I know you'll see this of me
I loved enough to let you go free

Go, I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky

Kiss me good-bye, love's mystery
All of my life, I'll hold you close to me
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
You put the dream in my reality